Mission: To Be, or Not to Be A Woman?
by Sierrakoi
Summary: Brought on by a caffeine-high. We all know Piccolo's a Namek, and technically not of any gender. Well...what can a poor Namek do when he discovers he's...as we say, 'changing'?
1. Piccolo's Bad Day

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Disclaimer: No DBZ is owned by me. ***Tra-lala***

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Warning:

This idea for a fic was brought on by a moment of insanity and a caffeine high. Even if the beginning may seem normal and un-caffeine induced, do not be fooled. If any part of this fic traumatizes you or sends you smacking your head against a wall screeching "THE JELLY BEANS! THEY CONQUER!", I am not going to pay for your medical bill. 

Mission: To Be, or Not to Be...A Woman??

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Piccolo's Bad Day

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"Hello, Master Dende!" 

Dende blinked, turning to face the plump genie that was speaking to him. Mr. Popo had a tray in hand and a smile on his face. On the tray rested a glass of hot cider, which was one of Dende's favorite drinks (known to no one but Popo himself). Dende smiled charismatically and bowed politely to his loyal friend. "Thank you, Mr. Popo! You always make the best cider."

Mr. Popo chuckled, handing the cup to his friend. Setting the tray on the nearest stand, Mr. Popo sighed in contentment as he crossed his hands. Dende glanced around the beautiful white room, elegantly ornate and clean. Mr. Popo did a good job of keeping things tidy, and he didn't mind doing so. Dende raised the cup to his lips and sipped some of the cider as he drifted into thought.

"So, Master Dende," Mr. Popo began. "Where is Piccolo? I haven't seen him this morning."

"Oh?" Dende shook his head slightly. "Off training. Or meditating. Same difference. He needs to give it a rest, he'll over-stress himself one day. But that's Piccolo for you."

Mr. Popo could only nod. "I see...oh! I almost forgot!" With that, the black-skinned man began digging in his pockets. "Oh, where did I put that..?"

Dende blinked curiously, setting his cider down. "What on Earth are you looking for, Mr. Popo?"

With a victorious gleam in his eye, Popo pulled out a small vial. It was a shade of gray, the top was closed with a simple cork wound with string. It just fit in Popo's plump hand as it was handed to Dende. "I found it when I was cleaning today. It must be one of Kami's old mechanisms. I think it's called a Shingle."

Dende blinked, holding the vial in front of his face. "A Shingle? What on Earth does that stand for?"

Mr. Popo shrugged. "I'm not sure. I think it was just called that to make little children wonder."

Dende sweatdropped and nodded. "And with that, I must agree. So what does it do?"

Mr. Popo rubbed his chin. "I think when you open it, the first two words the vial hears, it transforms into reality. Or something like that. So if you open the vial and you say 'break glass', some sort of glass thing around here will break."

Dende hummed in thought. "What if the words have no meaning?"

"Then I guess nothing happens."

"Interesting," Dende thought as he studied the vial. Mr. Popo wandered over to the table, where the crystal ball Babba had given them lay. Mr. Popo blinked into it's crystal depths, an image of the Kame House appearing. Master Roshi was sitting outside in a chair, reading some dirty magazine.

"I know who would think this is silly," Dende said. He opened the top of the vial. "Piccolo."

"Woman!" Master Roshi suddenly squealed, burying his nose deeper into the magazine. Mr. Popo sweatdropped and turned the crystal seeing ball off. 

Briefly, the vial faded into a shade of orange. Dende blinked, nearly dropping it.

Mr. Popo saw it too and froze. "It must have been...activated."

Dende tried to remember what had been said. "I opened it...and said 'Piccolo'. And then..." Dende glanced to the crystal ball. "...I heard Roshi say 'Woman'...from the ball..."

Mr. Popo was growing nervous. "It probably doesn't work in the first place," he assured.

Dende laughed and stored the vial in his pocket. "You're right. Want to go play Poker?"

"Sure!" Mr. Popo agreed as he and Dende frolicked off to their poker room.

-_-_-_-

Piccolo was in deep thought. He had closed out the world around him.

The Namek was currently hovering in mid-air, above a still lake. He had his legs crossed and so was his arms. His eyes were closed, head bowed. He was in passive meditation, and this was one of his favorite spots. Away from all the distractions.

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Pah-lunk.

Piccolo's eyes snapped open at the sudden, odd sound that had reached his sensitive ears. All was silent.

"..." Frowning, Piccolo closed his eyes again. Now he let his thoughts drift from the world around him to his own form along. This would help him reflect upon his ki.

He could feel his cape ruffling gently in the breeze. The small weight of his turban. The wrinkles in his pants. The ki that was keeping him afloat in mid-air.

Hnn...odd. he could have sworn he felt an odd, un-familiar weight on one side of his chest.

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Pah-lunk.

Piccolo's eyes snapped open again. Okay, this was NOT _Sleepy Hollow_. No need to get paranoid.

But what WAS that confounded noise?

Gradually Piccolo pulled himself from his deep state of concentration. Gradually he became aware.

His...chest.

Something was pulling at him.

Curious, the Namek looked down.

And then, did something very un-Piccolo-ish.

"Holy..!"

There, on his chest, were two lumps. Lumps that most certainly had NOT been there before!

Now thoroughly freaked out, Piccolo tried batting at his chest to get rid of...of WHATEVER had placed itself there.

He was rewarded by pain.

"Gah!" Piccolo stopped, calming himself down. These...things...were attached to him.

Almost...like...those things involved in the human female anatomy.

Slowly, but not before looking around to check if anyone was nearby, Piccolo peeped down his shirt.

And boy, was he surprised at what he saw.

"HOLY..!"

Reassuring himself this was some after-affect of stress, Piccolo thought frantically. Was he ill? But then, his mind grew slightly fuzzy as an odd floating feeling overtook him. What was going on...?!

A sneaking suspicion grew in his mind. Grabbing his cape and firmly placing it around him, Piccolo gathered up ki and jetted off to Kami's Lookout. Dende! This was Dende, playing another one of his tricks! First it had been the itching powder incident, now it was growing these...THINGS...on his chest!

Piccolo swore mentally that when he got his hands on Dende, he was going to burn every one of those poker cards and dance on the ashes while laughing in triumph. 

-_-_-_-

Mr. Popo was smirking haughtily.

"Go Fish!"

Dende groaned, reaching for the deck. They had switched from Poker to Go Fish. And Mr. Popo was whooping him. Bad.

Propping his feet up on the table, Mr. Popo examined his cards. "You know, Piccolo would be angry if he knew we played cards in our spare time."

Dende examined his cards and wondered how he could peep at Popo's cards without the genie knowing. "Yeah, he would. I still have to wonder if that vial actually, you know...DID anything."

Mr. Popo chuckled merrily. "I doubt it. Anyway, what would Piccolo do? Burn the cards and dance on the ashes? Hnn...got any twos?"

Dende smacked his head on the table in defeat as he handed over his twos.

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A/N:

Well, what did I say? o_O Anyway. This might be it, I don't know. Depends on the response I get from this. *Prepares to get pummeled by Piccolo fans* Hey, don't get me wrong. Piccolo is one of my favorite characters. But hey, it's fun to pick on the green guy too. At least I didn't have him wear bunny ears anytime during this. Mahaa.

Cough. Anyway. 


	2. Terms of Education

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Disclaimer: No DBZ is owned by me. ***Tra-lala***

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A/N:

Wow! I had such a great response...you guys got me hyped up enough to drink another can of coke and write more! Woo! Thank you so much. All of you are so very awesome. *Boogies*

Mission: To Be, or Not to Be...A Woman??

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Terms of Education

After numerous instances of Dende repeatedly smacking his head on the table as Popo took his last pair of twos, Dende admitted defeat in his fourth round of Go Fish. Mr. Popo, on the other hand, was jolly because Dende kept falling for the 'Look behind you! A dancing stork!' trick which permitted him to steal a peek at Dende's cards.

Dende, meanwhile, was beginning to question the existence of this 'dancing stork'.

"So, the proud Namek falls!" Mr. Popo crowed as he gathered up all the cards, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Dende rubbed his forehead, frowning at the welt that was forming from many collisions between his head and the table.

Before the defeated Guardian could respond, a familiar voice broke the silence.

"DENDE!!!"

Mr. Popo and Dende exchanged brief glances, their mouths formed into little 'o' shapes. Only one person could make THAT noise.

"Well-uh...you're being called, Master Dende!" Mr. Popo hurriedly chirped as he quickly shuffled up all the cards, idly dropping them into his pocket before anyone could see them. Dende blinked, nodded then took off to the open part of Kami's Lookout, nearly tripping on his Guardian's robe.

"Piccolo!" Dende greeted warmly, waving idly up at his Namek companion as he hurried out into the open sun. But something made him stop and look twice.

Piccolo looked POed.

Oh yes. He looked VERY POed.

Piccolo landed on the Lookout, his whole body quaking as his right eye twitched.

Thoughts processed through Dende's mind.

POed Piccolo + Eye twitch = bad things to come.

"Dende..." Piccolo's voice was low and gruff, almost a growl.

Dende hastily added that into the equation.

POed Piccolo + Eye twitch + Growling = Very, very bad things to come.

Subconsciously taking a step back, allowing individual beads of sweat to trail down his green-skinned face, Dende laughed nervously. "Uhm, yes...eh, what seems to be the matter, Piccolo?" In his moment of hesitation, Dende noted the way Piccolo had his cape folded around his chest and waist. Kinda looked that like that Greek goddess, Aphrodite. Well you know, except he was green and fully clothed and...

Piccolo threw off his cape.

...Had boobs?!?

Dende's eyes widened. This definitely did NOT add into the equation!

Hah..haha! Dende decided he must be seeing things. Piccolo with breasts? Unheard of. Must be a trick of the light causing two odd lumps to be poking just under Piccolo's shirt. "Well, um..." Dende spluttered, trying to look like a mature guardian. "Uhm...?"

Piccolo crossed his arms, trying himself to act mature. Who cared about dignity at a time like this? He had THINGS growing on him, probably all because of Dende, and he needed answers!

"Dende...explain..." Piccolo hastily jerked his finger at his chest, "...What THESE...are doing here..."

Okay...so maybe it wasn't a trick of the light.

"I...don't know, Piccolo...?!" Dende responded, quickly glancing around for an escape route. He was reminded of the time Piccolo had caught him after the itching powder incident. Bad memories, and painful at that.

"I know you had something to do with this..." Piccolo snapped, taking a step forward. Dende simultaneously took a step back.

"Well, hello Mister..." Mr. Popo stopped in mid sentence as he walked out onto the open marble, a tray in hand. "...Oh my..."

Piccolo's eye twitched again. "Dende...Mr. Popo...what is going on..." Oh, it was so hard to contain his anger. Too bad the eye twitching couldn't be helped.

Dende and Mr. Popo exchanged glances again. Both were immediately reminded of the vial.

Piccolo caught the glance. "What are you, Batman and Robin, partners in crime?!" Piccolo grumped.

"Actually, Batman and Robin FIGHT crime...EEK!" Dende squeaked as Piccolo suddenly phased in front of him, glowering down at him from beyond two mysterious lumps.

Piccolo addressed the guardian again. "Dende..." Growl. Hiss.

Words flooded out of Dende's mouth as he hastily explained the whole incident with the vial. No way did he want to be strung at the edge of Kami's Lookout from his undies again!

The words all blazed by Piccolo's mind, except three.

"...and well, you're a woman!!" Dende finished, taking large breaths.

There was a very long pause. The only sound was Mr. Popo occasionally scratching his arm. Hey, that genie had nothing to lose. He had kicked butt at Go Fish. If he was going to die today, at least he could die with dignity.

Meekly, Dende glanced up to catch Piccolo's eye.

"..." Piccolo turned, and walked a few feet before pausing again. His cape billowed idly a few feet away.

"Uhm...Piccolo?" Dende asked weakly. Memories came flooding back. Hanging upside down, the wind whipping at him...and dear God, those pigeons!

"...Please explain...the significance...of a _woman_..."

These words caught Dende off guard. "Huh..?"

Piccolo turned, his eye ceasing to twitch as horribly. "The spell of the vial should wear off...at least, that's what Kami says...though it's not sure when. But meanwhile...I'm stuck with the effects..." Eye twitch, "Of your inherent _STUPIDITY_..."

Mr. Popo was reminded of the stork trick and snickered.

"Well...er, a woman..." Dende was at a loss for words. He really didn't know that much about women. He was just a Namek! 

"Is this all that is going to happen?" Piccolo asked, trying to make his voice calm as he motioned to his lovely new chest adornments. 

Dende blinked blankly as Mr. Popo took up for him.

"I'm afraid not, Mister Piccolo sir," Mr. Popo said. "I've been on Earth for many years, and know a little bit more than you Namek kind do...I do believe there's more, I think."

"Like what?" Piccolo asked, a tinge of fear rising within him.

"Oh, well..." It was Mr. Popo's turn to be at loss for words. He didn't know that much about women himself. "Perhaps...perhaps you could talk to one of the Z senshi's females? I'm sure they could help you!"

Piccolo's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "Are you absolutely insane?!" he barked.

"That's a good idea!!" Dende seconded, laughing nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. "I mean, they ARE women, you know!"

"I don't want them to see me like this!" Piccolo yelped, exasperated. "I don't want ANYONE to see me like this!!"

Mr. Popo's mind raced for ideas. Even though he was a scheming, evil little genie, he still didn't want to see his friends in distress. "Maybe...we could buy...videos!"

Dende and Piccolo blinked. "Videos?"

"Yes!" Mr. Popo exclaimed, on a roll now. "You know, how humans have those educational videos! I'm sure they'll have SOME educational videos about women! I keep hearing how men say that they don't understand women, so there has to be videos!"

Piccolo glared daggers down at his chest. So this WASN'T the end?? These were bad enough to have aimlessly attached to him! "So, we should get these...videos? How are we supposed to do that?" Slight eye twitch.

"Well, we can get into contact with one of our friends!" Dende though aloud. "Maybe...oh, I know! Master Roshi!"

"The Turtle Hermit?!" Piccolo squeaked. 

"I hear he has lots of things pertaining to females!" Dende said in defense.

"This idea could work," Mr. Popo cautioned. Piccolo sighed in defeat.

"Fine...let's get into contact with the Turtle Hermit."

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A/N:

Hey again! I know, you're tired of listening to me. Oh well! I've actually been having a lot of fun with this. I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to review and tell me how much you love/hate me! Oh yeah, and you can review to talk about the fic too...*Sweatdrop*


	3. The First Term

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Disclaimer: No DBZ is owned by me. ***Tra-lala***

A/N:

Hey! Sorry this took longer than expected. I've been really busy lately and suffering from the lack of iron in my blood (Causing me to be unusually tired and prone to injury--ow...) Plus the sort of lack of interest in the fic I've invested most of my time in, 'Collision'. But hey, can't let that get me down, right? Your reviews helped me out a lot with writing this next installment. So... Here's the next chapter--I hope you enjoy it!

Mission: To Be, or Not to Be...A Woman??

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The First Term

Master Roshi was having a lovely time at home. His hobbit-like feet were propped up on a stool as he basked in the open rays of the sky, his sunglasses mounted lightly on his nose. Oh yes, was he sexy (Cough, cough). A very 'interesting' magazine had found its way into his hands, and he was reading it closely. Every minute or so, a few snickers would escape him.

Turtle, Roshi's long-time friend, sat on the sands of the beach and sweatdropped at his master. Didn't he ever want to do something _with_ his life?

As if an answer to Turtle's earnest prayer, a green angel--with a smaller green angel struggling in a hand--landed on the beach of Kame Island.

Master Roshi's sunglasses flashed as he peeped over his magazine, instantly recognizing Piccolo and Dende. "Why, hello Piccolo! Dende!" Master Roshi greeted, quickly stuffing the magazine under his reclining beach chair. "What brings you out here?!" Nervous chuckle.

Piccolo let Dende go, which resulted in the young Namek smacking into the ground. Quickly jumping up, Dende spat sand out of his mouth, shot a glare at Piccolo and brushed off his robes. "Hello, Master Roshi," Dende welcomed with that fake-nice voice of his.

Piccolo watched a hermit crab idly scoot along the sand towards Dende, and thought to warn the young guardian--but, being the sadistic Namekian he is, Piccolo said nothing. Turning his attention to Master Roshi, Piccolo's voice was blunt and to the point. "I...-We- need your help."

Master Roshi perked an eyebrow. Piccolo needed his help? Now that was new. As the Turtle Hermit was contemplating this, his gaze fell to Piccolo's chest.

"Wha...WHOA!! Those are some nice honkers you got there!!" Master Roshi crooned.

Piccolo's face went twenty shades of red as he exploded. "STOP LOOKING, YOU DISGUSTING PERV, BEFORE I BLAST YOU INSIDE OUT!!"

Dende sweatdropped massively. The effects were starting to kick in. Piccolo even had that tone of VOICE like a female now! "Eh--Master Roshi! Please, listen!"

It took Roshi a minute to figure out it was abnormal for Piccolo to have this mysterious growth on his chest anyway. "Eh??!" Roshi looked from Piccolo, Dende, Piccolo's chest, and back again. "What's going on, is this some kind of trick??"

"Seems someone thought it was a PRANK," Piccolo snapped, glaring daggers at Dende.

Dende immediately felt very small and insignificant. "It's NOT a prank!" In a flash of breath, Dende explained everything to Master Roshi, still unaware of the crab that had lodged itself in his robes.

"And that's why we came to you!" Dende finished, fists clenched. Dang, he STILL had the sand taste in his mouth. Why didn't Popo have to come and endure this?! Just 'cause someone had to stay and watch the Look-Out didn't mean anything... Sneaky little rat of a genie.

Meanwhile, Mister Popo was watching Saturday morning cartoons. Even though it wasn't Saturday morning. How did that happen?

Back at the beach, things weren't getting any better. 

"So...you need my help?" Roshi pondered, trying to keep himself from looking at Piccolo's 'new look'. He snickered. "I suppose I can help you out...Come in!" With a gnarled hand Roshi motioned in as he scurried inside the house.

Piccolo shot Dende a 'if something goes wrong, your hanging from the Look Out again' look as he followed Roshi inside. Dende gulped, halfway thinking about running for it...but then decided if he did THAT and Piccolo found him, he would be hanging from the Look Out butt-naked with no undies. And that was even worse. Darn those pigeons.

So, reluctantly, the young Namek followed his elder.

"Hey! Is that Piccolo?"

Piccolo froze upon entering the living room. Krillin's voice!! He had forgotten all about Krillin and 18 living here!

At that moment, the Namek felt like banging his head against a wall. Repeatedly. At his own stupidity.

Oh, Dende was enjoying this. Sadistic bast-

"Heyy! Piccolo!" Krillin welcomed as Piccolo, Roshi and Dende entered the living room of Kame House. 18 was standing in the corner, watching the TV out of the corner of her eye.

Piccolo was fighting the sweat that was trickling down his green skin. "Eh--hello, Krillin..." He folded his arms in such a way, so his clothing didn't make him seem so...'large'.

"Hello, Krillin!" Dende called merrily, waving at the ex-monk. Oh, he was one sadistic bast-

"So, whatcha up to?" Krillin asked, looking to Master Roshi. Krillin was wearing some slacks and a simple red Hawaiian shirt.

"Oh--ho-ho, nothing, Piccolo just asked me for some, eh...advice. Advice best given from the back of the house!" Roshi motioned for Piccolo and Dende to follow him as he scuttled back to his room. "Don't bother us!"

Krillin sweatdropped. "Well, I guess..."

Piccolo bolted after Roshi like a fox on a frying pan. Dende scuttled after him, grinning like some manic gerbil.

Roshi made Piccolo and Dende stop following him with a raise of his hand as he entered his room. "You just hold up right there! Now, NO ONE enters my room!" There was the sound of scuffling...and a few explosions.

Piccolo and Dende exchanged glances. Piccolo, despite all of his bravery, just wanted to shrink into a little corner and curl into a ball. And stay there.

Roshi came out a moment later, a small tape in his hand. The package of the tape was absolutely blank. Roshi held the tape up to the light, smirking from ear to ear. "Now...if THIS doesn't tell you about women, nothing will!" He giggled.

Piccolo sweatdropped. Well, if that tape was going to cause him to giggle like that, he'd just turn around and leave right then.

"Are you sure it will help Piccolo?" Dende asked skeptically. Piccolo almost snorted. Oh, so NOW the mini Namek was looking after Piccolo's well-being. Dende just wanted to get on his good side so good-ole Piccolo won't hand him from the Look-Out again.

Tough luck, my dear Dende. Wedgie Airlines are coming in for a landing soon.

"Well, if it don't help him, it'll sure show him SOMETHING!" Roshi howled in laughter. Grabbing Dende and Piccolo by the arm, Roshi dragged them into a joining room. In it sat some boxes of magazines, and a lone TV sitting in the center of the room.

"Just pop it in!" Roshi instructed. Turning to leave, he grabbed Dende and began to pull him out.

"Hey! I wanna see!" Dende protested.

"Sorry kid--you're too young, tee-hee..." Roshi giggled.

Dende's eyes widened. "Too young?! What kind of movie is that?!" But it was then that Roshi tugged the young Namek out and shut the door.

Piccolo glanced around the room, shrugged and sat cross-legged on the floor. He leaned forward and popped the tape in. Re-arranging himself a few times to get comfortable, Piccolo grunted. 

Briefly he wondered if his butt looked big.

Maybe he needed to get a new wardrobe? The shades of purple and white might not be working for him...maybe some navy, or red. Maroon? No yellow, that would clash, he'd look like a sick rat...somehow.

"DEAR KAMI!" Piccolo screeched as the tape began to play.

Meanwhile, outside the door, Roshi was listening in with his ear pressed against the door. Oh, and did I mention giggling? (Ah! *Hides*). Dende was trying to pry the Master away from the door, so he can see...er, HEAR what was going on. 

Random shrieks and crashes were heard from inside. And odd elephant noises...what that has to do with anything? One can only guess.

"Hee-hee! Now THAT's education!" Roshi howled. Dende huffed, placing his hands on his hips.

"I demand to know what's going on!" Dende demanded.

"Hey! What's up??" Krillin asked, suddenly appearing behind the Turtle Hermit and the young Namek. Both fell over in surprise.

"Wow! What's that noise?? Sounds like something's wrong!" Krillin reached for the door.

"Nooooo!" Roshi yelled, and watched Krillin's hand reach for the door in slow-motion.

Krillin pushed the door open, confused. "Eh-"

Crash.

"OH MY KAMI!!"

Krillin fainted on top of Roshi. The Turtle Hermit protested byt squeaking and shoving the monk off. 18 chose that moment to make her appearance.

"What the hel--?!? How dare you! You disgusting baka!!" 18 accused angrily, kicking Roshi away from her husband. "Hitting on men!! My very on husband no less!" She didn't mention she was peeved because her favorite soap opera was on re-runs.

Dende rubbed his head in confusion as Krillin jerked away. "P-Piccolo!!" Krillin squeaked, pointing inside. At that moment Piccolo bolted out of the room, pale-faced, and zipped out of the Kame House.

"?!" 18 peeped into the room, and her eyes bugged as she saw what was playing on the TV. "Piccolo was watching that?!"

Dende slapped his cheeks. This was hectic! He had to get out of here!

While 18, Roshi and Krillin were lost in confusion, Dende flickered out of Kame House as well. Piccolo was already well in the air, zooming out into the open sky towards Kami's Look Out with what seemed to be no intent of turning around and getting his companion. Dende huffed. "Fine then!" Gathering up ki, the young Guardian shot up from the beach and was flying well into the sky. He had to explain to Piccolo that he had no idea that was going to happen!

It was at that time, that the crab that had lodged itself in Dende's clothes earlier decided to make it's presence known.

"YEAAAHHH! AHH! AHH!" Dende squeaked, jerking wildly in the air as he attempted to pry the crab off of him. 

Somewhere, on a beach, a little girl was standing with her dad. Looking up, the little girl pointed. "Look Daddy! It's a little green man!"

The Dad looked up, shading his eyes. "Well, by crikey...it is! I TRIED TO TELL THE GOVERNMENT THEY WERE REAL!" Whipping out a camera, the man began to snap pictures.

The girl just blinked, sweatdropped, and continued to play Beach-Side Barbie. At least it was Bigfoot this time.

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A/N:

Another update, more chaos. What can all this nonsense amount to? Who knows? ^_^

Sorry it's taken my so long to update. A lot has been going on in my life as of late. Plus I've been extremely busy. But as usual, you're reviews--which are absolutely some of the funniest, greatest things I've ever read--helped me through. I apologize if this installment wasn't any good. Hopefully the next one, I'll be able to get out sooner!

Ciao.

P.S.: It has come to my attention that some of you, indeed, ARE banging her heads against walls and screeching about jelly beans. Next time you do this, please tape yourself. That way, I can get the tapes and laugh madly at what I'm making people do just out of pure insanity.

^_^ Just kidding. 


	4. The Second Term

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Disclaimer: No DBZ is owned by me. ***Tra-lala***

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A/N:

I'm sure all of you are dying to hear my excuse why this is late. O_o;; *Backs away from advancing readers with bricks* Let me explain! *Flail* I was actually pondering giving up fanfictioning for a while, but I'm back! I actually CONTINUED a fanfic I had discontinued and it's actually nearly completion, so I'm all happy now! So...Forgive me? ^^;

Here it is!

A thanks to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary.

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Mission: To Be, or Not to Be...A Woman??

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The Second Term

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Dende reached the look-out, prepared for Hell or high-water. After what Piccolo had just seen and been through, Dende was practically expecting his green elder to string him from the Look Out in the nude, just to be sadistic. Dende HAD to tell Piccolo he hadn't known Roshi was going to do that. 

Scuttling along the white marble of the Look Out, Dende nearly tripped over his robes. Picking himself up he took off again. Surely Piccolo would be reasonable.

"HELP!!"

The familiar voice of Mr. Popo was coming from the stairs leading to the enclosed area of the Look Out. Dende raced there, only to find Piccolo prowling up to Popo, fangs bared.

"Do you..." Piccolo twitched. "Have any idea..." Twitch. "What I saw...?!"

Mr. Popo gulped. "I th-think so...??"

"I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!"

Dende waved his arms wildly to get the elder Namek's attention. "Piccolo! Please, listen! I didn't know that was what Roshi had planned!!"

Piccolo whirled around to face Dende. As he glared the young Namek down, he couldn't help but glance over his clothing. For crying out loud, couldn't Dende switch up his style just for one second?! The whole robes thing died last season, just because they were Nameks who lived on a floating 'island' in the sky didn't mean they couldn't look good!

Dende sweatdropped, having a feeling Piccolo was looking him over. "Piccolo I really don't know what you're going through right now but we've got to think! I think we should talk to the Z senshi's wives!"

Mr. Popo had scuttled behind the stairs. "I agree with Master Dende!" the genie piped.

Piccolo suddenly calmed down. "...No. Not yet. We're going to think of something else. That's only a LAST resort." The Namek turned, heading into the confines of the Look Out. "...And Dende."

"Y-yes?" Dende asked, a little nervous.

"You really need to go shopping. Stop living in tomorrow. Sheesh." 

Dende sweatdropped, exchanging glances with Mr. Popo.

"This is bad," Mr. Popo admitted.

"Very bad," Dende agreed. But he did feel a little hurt. He didn't look THAT bad, did he?

"We've got to do something! We've got to find out another way to help educate Piccolo in the ways of the woman."

"I agree."

"No videos?"

"No videos."

"You don't want to hang upside down from the Look Out again, do you?"

"Nope."

"I hear the pigeons need some amusement..."

"Not funny."

Piccolo looked in the mirror of his favorite room of the Look Out--his own. He was still green, still had pointy ears-but there was something different about his eyes...

Hrm. He looked a little too green. Why didn't he ever think of adding a little lip gloss to his lips to bring out some of his Namekian radiance?

Blinking and shaking himself from those thoughts, Piccolo scowled. Now he was thinking about STYLE and lip gloss! Was this what women thought about? 

Piccolo studied his chest in the mirror. What USE were these lumps for? 

Images from the video came rushing back. Suddenly turning a few shades of a darker green, the Namek threw a hand over his mouth and sat in a nearby chair. Ugh.

Frowning, Piccolo had to wonder how much longer it was going to last. What if it was...

Permanent?

No way he could afford to buy lip gloss every day. This had to be stopped!

For a minute, Piccolo actually considered going to the Z senshi's wives. Then he realized that would be suicide. For is reputation at least.

Newsflash. Piccolo has sprouted breasts and is considering purchasing lip gloss. That would do well for him, that it would.

Piccolo then noticed he felt oddly hot and sweaty. Shifting his weight, he also noticed the light was a little bright. Grumbling Piccolo grabbed a nearby fan and walked out, fanning himself, determined to find that baka Guardian and his genie sidekick.

Piccolo was met at the stairs by the baka guardian and genie guardian themselves. Mr. Popo blinked, slightly disturbed at the sight of Piccolo waltzing down the stairs fanning himself, but the genie held his peace.

"Piccolo! We've thought of something else!" Dende said excitedly, hoping at all costs to avoid being strung up from the Look Out. "Why not READ about a woman? I found some text books!"

Piccolo frowned. "Where did you get them?"

Dende sweatdropped again. "Er...Gohan."

"YOU TOLD GOHAN!?!?"

Dende and Mr. Popo fell backwards at the burst of anger.

"NO!!" Dende squeaked, waving his arms. "I sorta, uh...stole them from him. I'm going back for another trip to see if he has any other materials!" Pulling from his robes, the guardian handed his elder Namek a stack of books, including a dictionary. "I just picked out random ones that looked scientific, I hope they help!"

Piccolo frowned before taking the books under an arm. "Anything else?"

Mr. Popo piped up. "We also found this!" He held out a magazine clipping. "You've had problem with your, uh, chest appendages, and we thought this might be the answer!"

Piccolo looked at the magazine clipping. It was of a human woman, posing oddly, half of her shirt slipping off and a black clothing-type piece covering her chest.

"It says 'Victoria's Secret' on the back, so I guess it's a human store that sells things for women! After you get done studying, we can go there," Dende said.

"How do you plan to do that?" Piccolo grumped.

"We don't know, but we'll think of something! Have fun!" Running out of bravery, Dende grabbed Mr. Popo by the arm and they both scuttled from sight.

Piccolo mumbled. Figures they would just abandon him like this. They were probably off to plot something ELSE.

Blowing out a sigh, Piccolo found a nice table and sat, first opening up the dictionary. At first glance he looked up the word 'woman'.

He found this:

**__**

a **:** an adult female person **b** **:** a woman belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) -- usually used in combination councilwoman__

It also linked to the words: womankind, womanliness, wife, mistress, and girlfriend.

Womanliness was defined as:

**__**

a : distinctively feminine nature

Womankind was defined as:

__

: female human beings **:** women especially as distinguished from men

Piccolo then decided to look up the other definitions: wife, mistress and girlfriend.

Wife:

__

a female partner in a marriage

Girlfriend:

**__**

1 **:** a female friend  
**2** **:** a frequent or regular female companion of a boy or man  
Mistress:

**__**

1 **:** a woman who has power, authority, or ownership: as **a** **:** the female head of a household **b** **:** a woman who employs or supervises servants **c** **:** a woman who is in charge of a school or other establishment **d** **:** a woman of the Scottish nobility having a status comparable to that of a master  
**2 a** : a female teacher or tutor **b** **:** a woman who has achieved mastery in some field  
**3** **:** something personified as female that rules, directs, or dominates 

****

4 a **:** a woman other than his wife with whom a married man has a continuing sexual relationship **b** archaic 

****

5 a -- used archaically as a title prefixed to the name of a married or unmarried woman 

Piccolo scratched his head. These definitions were confusing. Yet they all seemed to point to one thing. A woman was a female human, probably defined by these odd...things that had found their way on Piccolo's chest, and the different stature they held. And they hung out with men. But why? Surely women didn't HAVE to be with men.

With this question on mind, Piccolo flipped through some of the other materials available. They didn't give much more information, one was a book on physics and another on dandelions--which showed Piccolo how well Dende could read--but there was one book that had the oddest diagrams. They were labeled 'The Female Anatomy'. The particular diagram Piccolo was pondering over was labeled 'The Reproduction System'. That looked odd...

"I bet Piccolo thinks we're brainstorming more ways to help him!" Dende snickered, holding his cards out of Popo's sight. He wasn't falling for the stork tricks anymore.

"Are you sure this is right?" Mr. Popo asked, rearranging his cards.

"What, not helping Piccolo out in a time of need, and playing Blackjack instead?"

"What? Oh hell no, that's not what I meant. I meant are we playing this game right?"

"No idea."

"DENDE! Mr. Popo!"

Dende and Mr. Popo jerked from the voice, immediately stuffing teh cards in their clothes.

"Hello Piccolo!" Dende called, a plastic smile on his face as Piccolo entered the room.

Piccolo looked serious, biting his lip.

"Dende, I need to ask you something," Piccolo stated.

Mr. Popo edged away, then bolted from the room. Dende glared after him. Cowardly bast-

"Where do babies come from?"

Dende's train of thought froze as he stared at Piccolo.

Piccolo frowned, repeating himself. "Where do babies come from?"

Dende face vaulted. "I...."

"Well?"

"I don't know...exactly."

Piccolo sweatdropped. "You guard this earth yet you know not how the population reproduces?"  
"Don't humans lay eggs?"

"Of course not, you dimwit! They're not Nameks!"

"Seagulls do!"

"Humans aren't seagulls!"

"Good point. Didn't the video help you that Roshi made you watch? What about the reading material?!"

"It just made me more confused. The video was...very disturbing....I've blocked most of it from my mind. But it had two women and a man on there, and they were doing something, and I couldn't understand it anyway. And the reading material uses a lot of terms I don't understand. Like, what's a vagina?"

Dende scratched his head, confused. "I don't know, I'm not the one to ask...you should ask Bulma."

"NO!"

"Well, who else is smart that we could ask?! Oh, I know! What about Gohan?"

"NO!!!"

Dende scuttled backwards, blinking nervously. "Sheesh...well...we have to find out somehow."

It was then Mr. Popo made his presence known. "I've made a discovery, Master Dende!" He walked in, waving his arms. "On the TV--there's a show, and a woman on there known as a 'sex guru'. They say she answers all kinds of questions, maybe she can answer yours!"

That sparked an idea from Dende. "I know of a woman named Ms. Cleo that's a 'psychic' and answers questions too! Maybe we can try out those two people!"

"How would that work?" A cynical Piccolo asked.

"Simple! We can get on the phone and talk with them while their show is on!"

"It might work..." Piccolo stopped. "Wait a minute."

"What?" Dende and Popo asked in unison.

"We have a TV?"

Dende and Popo face vaulted, sweatdropping.

__

  


__

A/N:

Hey again! Just want to encourage you to keep reviewing and telling me what you think, whether you like or hate it, about your thoughts or your dog named SugarMuffin. And PLEASE feel free to send my ideas! I really need them! ^^

Thank you for sending your tapes! Man, I've been entertained all day. Keep up the head banging!

Head banging: the new miracle drug. It cures all evils.

Jellybeans: ARE the evil.


	5. The Third Term

**Disclaimer:** No DBZ is owned by me. Tra-lala.

_It's been a while, yes, I know! I'm getting my drive back though, I think. Thanks to all you reviewers. You make it worth it. And not to delay..._

_

* * *

_

**Mission: To Be, or Not to Be... a Woman?**

**The Third Term**

* * *

Omigawdomigawd. 

He looked hideous.

He looked like the Swamp Thing. Like the Black Lagoon Monster. Like Opera Gone Eighties.

Hideous.

"You look just fine, Piccolo!" Dende chirped, ignoring the small beads of sweat that found their way down his neck.

Piccolo continued to stare at his reflection in the full length mirror.

Big baggy red cargo pants. A blue shirt with a teddy bear on the front. Christmas gloves. Pokemon shoes. Sunglasses. A John Deere hat. And a pink boa around his shoulders.

Hideous.

"Dende, I'll murder you."

"It's all we could muster!" Dende pleaded, already hearing the pigeons calling him from beyond the Look Out. "I gave you the best clothes!"

Piccolo studied the little Namek for a moment, taking in his 'Phat' sweater, pink stretchy pants and ducky slippers. "...Maybe. Isn't Mr. Popo coming along as well?"

"He's changing in the other room," Dende consoled. "Don't worry, it'll be no trouble. All we have to do is just go to Earth, slip into a lingerie store, grab you a chest thingy, buy it, and slip out..."

"Looking hideous."

Dende felt stung. HE thought he, himself, looked pretty good.

"Yo yo my G's!" Mr. Popo bellowed, entering the room. Diamond rings adorned every finger. A heavy, gold-platted ruby-studded money symbol necklace hung from his neck. A white leather jacket covered his frame, matching his whiter pants and gold-dusted sneakers. Atop his head was a solitary pimp hat, complete with feather. Romani glasses settled just under his eyes, giving notice to the studs littering both his ears.

"Popo?" Piccolo asked, in awe.

"I'm your ho!" Mr. Popo said cheerfully.

"We'd really better be going," Dende pressed, wondering what got into Mr. Popo--and more importantly, where he got his duds.

"Yes..." Piccolo trailed off. He felt like crying. He was hideous looking and had breasts. Dende was putrid looking and a little sleazebag. Mr. Popo had just called himself a ho. God. Why couldn't the day just get itself over with?

Amazingly, the trio got to earth with barely any trouble. There was only the ever beckoning flutter of pigeon wings that shadowed Dende, causing him to quiver in fear on the way down. Piccolo almost felt sorry for him. Almost. If it weren't all his fault in the first place. If he hadn't made him look hideous.

Walking down a crowded human street, Piccolo felt like a huge, pulsating pimple. He almost cried in relief when a large sign reading 'Victoria's Secret' came into view.

Inside the store was a whole other world. Barely clothed women littered the entire store, and strange articles of clothing hung everywhere. Sly-faced men and prowling women shoppers stalked the store.

Piccolo watched in fascination. Indeed. Shopping was an art! it was the thrill of the hunt...the hunter, prowling down the crowded streets, slipping through the crowded malls...not to be seen! not to be noticed! Never until they caught their prey! Laughing at the people walking by...unknowing, not going in the right direction! The sale was the other way! the other way! Fools!

Rapture! The smell, the scent of the prey reaches the nose of the hunter. The shopper. The sale! its signs beckon...beckoning in glory, beckoning, taunting! The shopper laughs inwardly, taking its time, circling the prey...slowly deciding, deciding the perfect time to strike. Slowly entering, walking amidst the clothes, the lingerie, the items, sniffing the air, eyes flickering over every attire, matching it up...was that it? No! no! The prey was near! The quivering prey, that one piece of clothing...there! That shirt! Surround it, so that it may not escape...claim it with hungry glares, keep the other hunters away! Let them know you claim this item! Slowly prowling, hearing keen, fingers extended...watch carefully! STRIKE!

The fingers find the shirt, yanking it off the hangar, a smirk on the face of the shopper, knowing they found it first!

But no! No!

The prey! A cheat! A lie!

The shirt, marked at only 20, costing so much! What is this? what is this! An identical shirt was seen, across the shop, in another store, costing only half as much! Same style! Same color!

No! Cheated! Lied!

The shopper howls in dismay, casting the treacherous prey back onto its hangar.

Piccolo breathed deeply. How he longed for the hunt...

"Piccolo?"

"What?" Piccolo answered in annoyance as he glared down at the little Namek beside him.

"Um...You need to walk into the store."

Right. Piccolo coughed and entered the forbidden lair...Victoria's Secret.

Mr. Popo was already inside, walking in strides, making sure everyone saw the feather in his hat. Piccolo rolled his eyes and began to work. He made his way to an aisle that looked most like what he saw in the newspaper clipping. Strange garments...

In every color of the rainbow! It was a splendor, a delight for the eyes. Would he take under wire? Some that buttoned in the front? Strapless!

Lo! It was a mental maze! And sales...what could he possibly pick? What was there to be had? Was he wise enough?

After a few moments of contemplation, Piccolo noted a woman nearby was staring at him oddly. He cleared his throat and moved on. Great. He felt like a big pimple again.

Strangely, the woman neared him. "...Hey," she began.

Piccolo looked over. "...Hi."

"Um...looking for something?"

Piccolo coughed to himself, pushing his sunglasses farther up his nose. "Oh, just..." he flicked a few garments idly. "One of these..."

"How sweet!" the woman squealed. "For your girlfriend?"

Piccolo looked hurt for a moment. He didn't look THAT masculine, did he...?

Wait. Never mind.

"Um...yes."

"I like your boa!" the woman droned. "Oh, and if you want a deal, go with a set. A bra and thong set. They're on sale."

Sale!

Sale!

What a magical word.

"How much off?" Piccolo asked, breathless.

"60!"

The Namek fairly gasped.

"Here! I thought these were cute!" the woman giggled, thrusting a matching black satin set at the Namek.

Piccolo took them, gazing at them in wonder.

"Are they big enough?" the woman asked.

"Yes...I think so," Piccolo responded. The sale tag glinted invitingly at him.

"Glad to help!" the woman cooed before disappearing on her merry way.

What a blessing! A Sale Angel, come to guide him through his personal dilemma. Piccolo bowed his head. If this was a blessing for all those times he strung Dende up nude for the pigeons...why, he'd gladly do it again.

Not like he needed more reasons to do it.

Really.

Not like he was trying to make up any reasons to do it.

Dende smiled, obliviously, at Piccolo from a distance.

Sadistic bast-

"Are you done yet, ho?" Mr. Popo asked, prodding Piccolo with a cane he found.

Piccolo shot the genie a distasteful look before proudly announcing, "Yes. We can go now."

Time passed. The trio once again made their way up to the Look Out, only the beady eyes of soaring pigeons keeping their departure from being near perfect. And the fact that Mr. Popo was dressed as a pimp. And that Dende was a sadistic bast-

"Where my money?" Mr. Popo asked a pigeon that flew uncannily close. The pigeon didn't respond. "Do I have to choke a ho!" Mr. Popo bellowed at the bird, sending it taking flight elsewhere.

"See?" Mr. Popo commented to Dende. "You just have to be upfront with them."

Dende shuddered. "I don't know..."

Piccolo ignored all of this. He kept fingering the lovely prize he held in his hands. And he got it on SALE.

Once they had landed, Piccolo immediately made his way to his quarters. Mr. Popo removed all his jewelry and adorned his normal genie outfit once more. Dende changed as well, but kept the slippers on for his own Namekian reasons.

"So. Want to play Blackjack?" Mr. Popo asked.

"Not right now," Dende responded. "We need to get those numbers for Piccolo to try out...you know, Ms. Cleo, and the sex guru."

"Guru...Wasn't there someone on your planet named Guru?" Mr. Popo asked in wonderment.

Dende's eyes widened. "Now that you mention it...there was! Guru!"

"Could it be the same person!" Mr. Popo asked.

"I...but...Guru died. Didn't he?"

A chill wind blew past.

"...Maybe...he didn't..." Mr. Popo whispered.

Meanwhile, Piccolo had adorned his newfound findings. He purred at himself in the mirror, turning this way and that. He looked good! it had taken him a while to figure out what the thong was used for. The bra, he knew. And it was perfect!

Wanting to show off his new findings, Piccolo threw open the door and made his way to the dining room where Dende and Mr. Popo were. "Look at-"

Piccolo paused, studying Dende and the genie. "...Why are you wearing garlic, crosses, carrying wooden stakes, with a bags of silver bullets at your side, and wearing Britney Spears' new perfume?"

Before Dende could spill the beans about Guru, he noticed something peculiar about Piccolo. "Why are you wearing the thong on your face?"

Piccolo frowned, bringing a hand up to touch the black garment that fit around his head. "It fits. See, the two loops go around my ears... ...?"

Dende shrugged. "No idea! Never owned one!"

Mr. Popo, for some reason, coughed. And looked guilty. And twiddled his thumbs.

"Is something wrong?" Piccolo asked the genie suspiciously.

"No, no! You're wearing it right."

"How would you know?" Dende asked stupidly.

Mr. Popo's left eye twitched. "I just do! I'm a genie! I'm smart!"

"But-"

"Do I have to choke a ho!"

Dende quieted, gulping.

Piccolo could only groan. "We don't have time for this. Did you get those numbers?"

"We're doing that now!" Dende announced before grabbing Mr. Popo and making a hasty exit.

Piccolo rubbed his temples, wondering why he had to put up with stuff like this. Gawd.

_

* * *

I had way too much fun writing the shopping part. XD_


End file.
